Shiver hits
Races up the spine
Familiar energy
A gift of acknowledgment
Though it is felt
Mood remains unchanged
Melancholy
Searching
Questioning everything
Tears well and recede
There is no subject matter
Just release
Attempted understanding
Neither head nor heart
Offer up information
There is a void
A heaviness
A slow aching pull
To unknown places
Something is being birthed
It labors in my chest
It’s insatiable
Uncomfortable
Confined
Cut the strings
Set it forth
Something good must come of this
A final push of emotion
I feel it
It is uncertain
Wild
Uncontrollable
What am I supposed to do with this
Run toward it
Run away
Be still
I fear no good can come of this
My fear
I know it better than I know myself
It wrote my history
How much longer must it write the future
Engtovo ~ August 31, 2008
Needy
Grasping
Pushing pulling
Confusion of familiarity
Aching
Turning
Sending receiving
Puzzle pieces missing
Heart calls out
No answers looming
Clock keeps ticking
Why can’t it be clear
Control fading
Something looming
Feelings unprepared
Fire burning
Sweet light nearing
Meaning can’t be found
Turmoil inside
Insanity outside
Peace is still not found
Engtovo ~ August 30, 2008
Explain this
There is no answer
The sheepish look is clear
Look down at the ground
Face your mother
She has nurtured you
You steal her energies
Use them for glory
You are like the rest
From you there is no authenticity
Dive deeply into yourself
What do you see
Is there connection
I cannot pity you any longer
There are no more excuses
You know the error of your ways
Your choices were conscious
You think you are righteous
But like the critics of Noah
You will perish in the proverbial flood
Listen
It is your own screams
But it’s too late
There are no more chances
Decisions are complete
These are the consequences
Karma brought of stupidity
Do not beg for mercy
Your mother is being merciful
Sending you home
Just say goodbye
Any who would miss you
Will join you
Those who remain
We will celebrate the living
Not memorialize the dead
Do not look to me
It is not I who have judged you
It is not I who sends you home
It is simply I who have noticed
Engtovo ~ September 10, 2007
Disgusted and raw
Tired of the games of ignorance
Egos out of control
As people harvest with evil
Lay claim to that which they know not
Place themselves forth as achievers
The lies are deadening
How can any believe
They offer contradictions as one
Not noticing the hypocrisy
Money and fame are to be found
Both are fleeting
Enjoy it while you can
The days are numbered
The truth will lay bare
You will be exposed
Engtovo ~ September 10, 2007
Contemplate alternatives
See a new way
It is ready to birth
Does anyone care
It seems not
It seems that they only see lies
Why is the truth so frightening
It seems comforting to me
Lies are what cause pain
Destruction is birthed in lies
Hurt cannot be run from
It follows like a loyal dog
It nags
It grows
It demands and then controls
Decisions get made in that turmoil
It is unacknowledged
Yet it is the deciding force
It motivates bad choices
It clouds judgment
And causes more hurt
It multiplies and moves out
It hurts one then two
Then four then eight
Exponentially it moves
The first one denies any responsibility
Blames everyone else
And it goes on
Passed like a pandemic
There must be immunity
Somewhere the secret lies
I seek it out
Ask the Creator for a map
For this hurt
It is not the divine plan
There is another way
If only it is chosen
Let go of those who are carriers
Open your eyes to the simplicity
There is gentleness here
It embraces us all
Feel it
Allow it to ease the hurt away
Sequester yourself when contagious
Refuse to pass it on
Take responsibility
Not with guilt or fear
But simply with acknowledgement
Seek out your motives
Contemplate alternatives
Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ August 23, 2007
Why can’t I have a home
When others have many
And stills others have none
Why can’t we all have a home
How can it be that we be denied the basic thing
That we moved from time when anyone
Could make a hut in a place where no one lived
To a time when we are told we have no right to be
People sleep on the street
Not allowed any dignity
I do not sleep on the street
I am grateful for this
But I still do not have a home
I live where another controls the energies
The arrangement
It is not suitable to my energies
But with no money
In a world controlled by such
I am left to deal with the consequences
Of unaligned energies
I deserve a home
We all do
No addiction of one on the street
Mean he or she is unworthy of shelter
There is nothing anyone can do
That should prevent us from having a home
The world has been so corrupted
How can it come to this dear God
How can it come to this
Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006
The canvas is supposed to be blank
Why is it already written on
The writing is obscured so it cannot be read
It is just there
Blocking the purity of a new creation
What is created upon it
Will always carry its energy
Soiled
Sullied
I want to start over
Really start over
I don’t want to start with a canvas that is stained with the past
The colors will not show themselves right
The subtleties with be filled with shadows
Not of my intent
How will my heart express
From a canvas that is not clean
I’m tired
No amount of white paint will cover
It will not give me a fresh start to hide what is there
I want it erased
I want it gone
Forever
Is it possible
Just give a new canvas damn it
Why should I even have to ask
Why shouldn’t I have an unlimited supply of new canvases
Where every mistake
Every slipped stoke
Can simply be discarded
To discard them does not mean they are forgotten
Holding on to them is not required to learn from them
It only ruins everything thereafter
I’m tired
I don’t even know how to paint
How I am supposed to paint over the past
Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006
I’m alone
So alone
No one to hold to touch
My heart aches
And nothing changes
I am isolated here
These two bodies that share this house
Are empty
We exist in the same space
But nothing moves between us
Will it always be this way
I don’t see a way out
I’m afraid I will die like this
I have no one
Nothing
I reach out to spirit
They are always with me
But they cannot hug me
Hold my hand
Look into my eyes
I’ve tried to shut down
So the pain would stop
But it doesn’t work
I can’t stop feeling and feeling
Longing
Fearing
Please make it stop
Give meaning to my life
What is the point in my being here
No one’s life would be different without me
Mom would cry and be a victim
For a week or two
She would then do what she does
Sit in front of the TV
Saying she is going to go through my stuff tomorrow
Randy would simply have an excuse to wallow
He wallows now with no excuse
Lee would be affected
But he has lived without me before
So tell me God why do I remain
To fight the illuminati
And if so then why do you not support me
Why do I struggle and toil
If your work is my only reason for life
No husband
No children
Only pain and loneliness
I cannot do it anymore
You know I would never take my life
It is not how I am made up
So is it my suffering you want
This world would survive without me
My passing would go almost unnoticed
Maybe 10 people would care at all
They would say it’s a shame
And go on as we all do at a passing
A life insignificant
Nothing to pass on
No one to pass it on to
If I could be like others
I could just hide from these facts in a bottle
Pretend my life has meaning
But I am not
And I see the spec that I am
My life does not align with my truths
I am just another hypocrite in a sea of dreamers
Always wanting
Never finding a way to do
Never believing in my ability to do
Just alone with my dreams
Why can’t I have love
Be loved
Give love
What the hell is wrong with me
I’m broken
I keep trying to fix me
To no avail
Still broken
Always broken
Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006
A baby comes
Conceived in lies, deception and manipulation
Conceived in hurt, heartache and neediness
A baby comes
A new life tender and vulnerable
What will become of this life
How can he walk through the coals
Of the fire that is his very creation point
There is drama, fear and anger
Why must a new life start this way
A baby comes
It should be a most joyous and sacred occasion
How can our family be in a position where this joy is thwarted
I want to scream and yell
In frustration and disappointment
That this could happen here
Where there is so much knowledge and God Love
But my screams would be heard only by spirit
My heart aches for him
A baby comes
There is no one ready to nurture him
He is surrounded by pain
By abusive behavior
By ignorance and indifference
He deserves so much more
A baby comes
I feel powerless to change anything around him
I feel powerless to influence those who can
They think of themselves only
Incapable of putting him first
He cries out to me
I hear him
But will they allow me to answer
A baby comes
God please create a path for him
One that frees him from these low vibrations
Engtovo ~ May 8, 2006
Mercury returns to me
Bringing up feelings
I thought long ago dead
Sadness
Loneliness
Hopelessness
Lack of faith in my own power
It is the right time to face these things again
Or they would not be here in my heart
How many layers deep do they go
When will I pass through them forever
I am not where I want to be
Expressing as I see myself
What will bridge the gap
Allow me to create my life in truth
As I know myself within
Pain does not express me
It is a lie
I am not a victim
But I cling to victimization patterns
That do not serve me
I will not allow others to define me consciously
And yet I am not defining myself
Not choosing to live as me somehow
What is the first step
I wish I knew
What action would set me on that path
I ponder
Contemplate endlessly
And no answer emerges
And so I continue
Looking for a solution
That does not materialize
I feel I must seek it
But it eludes me so completely
I am lost
Not knowing where to begin the search
It must come from within
But it is as if that part of me is missing
Doesn’t exist
And so I sit here praying to be saved
When I know only I can save myself
Where will I learn how
Or is it simply that the part of me that knows how
Still doesn’t believe I deserve it
The information is being hidden away from me
By me
What does it take to earn my own trust
To sustain my own faith in myself
To break through this barrier
I don’t have the energy to endure
So what does that mean
I will give up on my self
Just lay down and die now
And I will have proven myself unworthy of my own trust and faith
That makes me so angry
How dare I refuse myself anything
What ever made me believe I had permission
To hold myself captive
Punish myself
For deeds of perspective that are meaningless
What do I say to myself deep down
I have hurt people
Everyone on the planet has hurt people
That does not make me unique
People have hurt me
We have all been hurt that does not make me unique
Do I believe I should be immune to being hurt
Be perfect never hurting another
Even sacrifice who I am to not hurt another
Subjugate myself
It is not possible
I could give myself away
In an effort to never hurt anyone
And in the process someone would get hurt
And I would be hurt the worst of all
No I must think I need punishment
Simply for my existence
Some part of me does not believe I have the right exist
To be alive
To be on the planet
What part are you
And what led you to this absurd perspective
And how do I neutralize you forever
Or integrate you into the truth
I am worthy just because I exist
I am a child of God
And nothing more is required of me other than my existence
To deserve every good thing in life
My heart wants to scream
No words
No thought
Just primal
Disgust that it has come to this
Days are wasted in this crap
When God wants me to have joy
When is it enough
This is my creation
And I am not satisfied with it
I want more
Deserve more
Must create more
I am tired of settling for this
Talking of timing
Trying to be at peace with what is
Be in acceptance
I am NOT in acceptance
I don’t want to accept this
It can change
I should only accept what cannot be changed
I have to find a way to turn this anger I feel around
Instead of turning it on myself for creating this
I need to use it to move the energy forward
And bring my change
Create my life
As I envision it in truth
Engtovo ~ November 20, 2005
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Poetry
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Mood, Processing, Rebirth 