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By Engtovo, August 31, 2008 11:02 pm

Candle burns quickly

Betraying the shifting of time

It is done but unseen in this moment

It is bigger than expected

So big I feel pulled to it

When it was to be pulled to me

I give up pieces of myself willingly

They are no longer needed

But the discomfort of them leaving

Envelops this moment

It’s a journey planned but unknown

Its outline rough

The details shifting with each passing day

Mind desires to pin it down

Spirit knows better than to try

I reach my hand out to touch it

It is fuzzy and soft

Warm and comforting

But the other side is shielded

It is that side that will have to be tolerated

It is not the whole

Not even half

But it comes with the deal

It is the small print

The unspoken

It won’t last long

But each moment of it filled with demands

It cannot be avoided

It cannot be embraced

It is just what is

Human nature will make its so

I walk alone into this undefined plan

Knowing others will join me there

But I can’t help but hesitate

Wonder

Dream

Of a circle of hands

Walking in together

It’s foolish thinking

Wanting something that is asking too much

But the heart yearns

And the mind follows

Engtovo ~ August 31, 2008

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By Engtovo, June 14, 2008 7:11 am

Temptation past

To do for

No longer a question

Each will contribute

Equally from the divine

No burdens

Do we carry

There is only joy

Re-seeding all that is good

Rebuilding

Requires no sacrifice

Hearts joining

Unison of vision

Beauty

There is peace

In the sounds blending

Sweetness and innocence

Offered to all

Trust is complete

Above and below

Individuality

Without separation

The saboteurs gone

Each one is giddy

Thrilled

Hands filled with rainbows

Colored rays

Blending out to infinity

This view has never been seen

It was chosen

Envisioned

Created

And it is good

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ June 14, 2008

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By Engtovo,

Done

Let go

Transmute

Heart is heavy

But easing

Sacrifice done

Freedom reigns now

The worth complex

The outcome decided

There is relief

We choose joy

We choose easy

There is little understanding

Big picture obscured

For others

But not for us

The choice feels right

Nothing left to do

Those who work

Are guided

They are already journeying

The others are too late

It’s ok

They can be too late

They will come again

Transformation

It will be done

Then they will understand

The choice is for joy

A life which they know not

Yet…

Engtovo Bhodsvatan ~ June 14, 2008

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By Engtovo, December 24, 2007 8:06 pm

Vista ridge encompass my heart

Encircling my personal sphere

Every direction and offering

A gift

Beauty in pure form

Movement is constant and rhythmic

Changing the nature of each day

Storms roll in and purify

Then give way to glimpses of more

Those lost in the fog may perish

Too foolish to see the last breath

It’s here

We are witness

Expansion fills all my perceptions

It stops for no one

Waits for none

It spirals to its destination

My heart welcomes its vastness

There is no wrong way to look

Just look

Blood circles out and around the world

Not the blood of war

Not the blood of death

But the blood of life

Sustaining

Nurturing

Hydrating

Feeding

Life force

Red blood of the earth

Physical gives way to that which is greater

And is transformed immortal

Take it all in

This is the last vista of what is

The change complete

Different and equally beautiful

The heart documents these last moments

To be honored

Remembered

Released

So new life can begin

Engtovo ~ December 23, 2007

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By Engtovo, October 4, 2007 5:31 am

She remembers things

I’ve long forgotten

I thought she wasn’t listening

She was

Where it leads her is unknown

She has floundered

Her pain undeniable

She tries to run

But she ran into the truth

Once I worried

Then I released to higher power

Now I wonder

What becomes her

Perhaps I will never know

In her grows a spark

It may tinder to flame

It may die an ugly death

It is her spark

I give it room

Step back

Watch and wait

There is love there offered

It is abundant and abiding

It resides here

It resides beyond this place

Held out

Waiting to be touched

Claimed

Swirling around

A whirlwind of answers

Available to breathe in

Fill

Uplift

Transform

It is not my journey

Not my denial or acceptance

But I will continue to wonder

What becomes her

With love

Engtovo ~ October 3, 2007

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By Engtovo, August 6, 2006 4:07 am

Simple calculations
To my divine mind
Solving all mysteries
Just out of reach
Leaving me feeling so frustrated
I know its right there
I know I know it
It’s already mine
There is no access point
It is like staring at a computer screen
I have no keyboard
No mouse
No way to access what sits there
Its mocks me by asking for input
It must know I have no input tools
I am a scientist
Of an unknown science
An expert in my field
If only I knew what my field is
Like having a mail order PhD
I cannot use the divine knowledge I hold
It’s the ultimate cosmic joke
At this point even I find it humorous
Whose stupid ass idea was this anyway
To forget what we know to experience stupidity
I know I can remember AND experience physicality
We keep agreeing to do this
Over and over
Every time I reach this point
I can’t believe I did it again
Came here of choice
Knowing I would have to remember
AGAIN
There must be a point to it
God I hope there is a point to it
It seems completely absurd and pointless
And those of us remembering again
We are the enlightened ones
Makes me laugh out loud
What is everyone else doing
Maybe we are in fact screwing up over and over
By remembering and seeking enlightenment
Maybe we are supposed to just stay stupid
And fully experience the stupidity
And we have some glitch in our souls
They open the door ever so slightly
We remember there is more
And then it is like Pandora’s box
We cannot stop
Our programming unravels
And here we are
Again

Engtovo ~ August 5, 2006

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By Engtovo,

Night comes and I wonder
What will come with the dawn
Will the blossom open this day
When will I see the manifestation
The sky orange
The air clean
I walk
I think
Dream and wonder
Await
A word that becomes profane
Soon new life enters
Surrounded by confusion and chaos
Every aspect of its existence has been in disharmony
Yet it remains true
Remains pure
It must be protected
The tools for this work are elusive
Any plan is in the higher realm
As yet unknown
It frustrates me
I ask for knowledge
But none comes
There are not even clues
Only waiting
And worry
I have no power over the chaos of this birth
It simply is
It does not belong to me
Yet it affects me deeply
At times this fills me with anger
Why should I be in this space
Affected by creations not mine
Waiting to see if there is an action for me to take
If there is a role God wishes me to play
I feel I should be doing other things
Not waiting here
But I am aware I do not have the whole picture
Only pieces to the puzzle
I try to have faith
Believe that those who have the whole picture
See a purpose to me being here now
I feel limited by every aspect of this life in this moment
I seek freedom
Personal power
Conscious choice
I’m tired
The journey has me weary
This means I am close to something
The water of the dream world so pure
Almost to the conscious level
It is outside my house
Surrounding me
It is water of the ocean
The whole
Perhaps it will carry me away
Take me to a new place
I swim in it near my front steps
Should I open the windows and doors
Allow it to fill my house
My inner voice says yes
The hummingbirds come
First two
Then four
Then six
Then twenty
Then two
Then four
Then six
They portend a new energetic phase
Joyous play
I want it
I open my heart to this
I claim it
And night comes and I wonder

Engtovo ~ August 5, 2006

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By Engtovo, June 9, 2006 4:03 am

The canvas is supposed to be blank
Why is it already written on
The writing is obscured so it cannot be read
It is just there
Blocking the purity of a new creation
What is created upon it
Will always carry its energy
Soiled
Sullied
I want to start over
Really start over
I don’t want to start with a canvas that is stained with the past
The colors will not show themselves right
The subtleties with be filled with shadows
Not of my intent
How will my heart express
From a canvas that is not clean
I’m tired
No amount of white paint will cover
It will not give me a fresh start to hide what is there
I want it erased
I want it gone
Forever
Is it possible
Just give a new canvas damn it
Why should I even have to ask
Why shouldn’t I have an unlimited supply of new canvases
Where every mistake
Every slipped stoke
Can simply be discarded
To discard them does not mean they are forgotten
Holding on to them is not required to learn from them
It only ruins everything thereafter
I’m tired
I don’t even know how to paint
How I am supposed to paint over the past

Engtovo ~ June 8, 2006

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By Engtovo, May 9, 2006 3:58 am

Focus returns now
One places them self in another’s perspective
They know not what they say or think
It is clinging to a past
But they are here and now
They are still connected to the past
But this place is new
The journey of one is only known to her
The journey of others known to them
There is compassion that moves between
There is synergy
There is support
But each journey is it’s own
What one looks out and sees as the same place
Is a similar process going on in two places
It has been this way always in this life
One knows
The other lives in the self deception
The one who knows will not say
It would serve no purpose
And the one who does not know
Still would not know
Could not accept this truth
So the one who knows holds back
Keeps quiet
Waits
Knowing some day the other will figure it out
Sadness at times envelops the one who knows
At times anger
At times understanding
But always the one knows
Carries
And accepts the unknowing of the other
The one who knows lives
Still in the limbo where knowing is both a gift and a burden
It’s so clear
It has never been clouded
The one in self deception
Judges the choices of the one who knows
Judges based on deception
The one who knows must simply ignore this as well
It is difficult
But there is no way to show another that which they do not see

Engtovo ~ May 8, 2006

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By Engtovo, January 30, 2006 4:57 am

Touching a core
Seeing & feeling the shift it brings
New honoring of self brings clarity
It then opens the way to more unknown and confusion
It is odd clarity and confusion side by side
I move in the right direction
I feel it
And yet I know not where I am headed in the short term
Only one long term is known
And from there it is unknown yet again
It is the human condition I suppose
I have found inner power
But the rest of me is trying to catch up
My body still groans as it repairs the damage done
I reach out for a plan
I know I have one
But it is unavailable for my appraisal
Time feels short
I am told it is in perfection
Time to do all that needs to be done
But what actually needs to be done
And what do I simply perceive needs to be done
And how do I keep my perceptions
From pressuring me by feeling things will not get done
As much as I hated the previous script
I knew what to anticipate
Now I know little
Only that love will win
Has already won
Even though those who hate think otherwise
Everything is obscure
Unformed
Is it wrong to want to see a little form
Even if it is only on a personal level
I have been changed
Stripped of old energy
It is freeing
And part of me still struggles with that freedom
Placing physical limitations upon me
The pain was intense
A teacher that I choose to never use again
There had to be another pathway to the same end
Now that I am mostly through to this side
I see the gift in it all
The way it reached in and cleared away
Everything that stood in the way
The transformation is big
Huge
Not quite comprehensible
So many questions are left in its aftermath
My foundation has been shaken loose
Only truth can be left to rebuild with
How many foundational pieces are left to discard
When will a sense of stability be regained on the new foundation
I seek the balanced state
What is happening within now is a state of flux
The end result of which is known
But not fully comprehended
The pain at the core no longer owns me
But the love from the core
Has not fully stabilized
There is a shattering sense that is expansion
And a desire to gather all the pieces
And quickly put them back together
Maintain the known
But pieces are already missing
Gone
Others fade quickly
There is no repair that can be made of the shattered illusions
Soon I will no longer desire to repair that perspective
But now I sit in silence and I am lost in myself
I am a puzzle and I have no picture to use to put me together
Only Creator has that picture
And only Creator can put me together from here
My place is to get out of the way
But mind wonders when, how, what will become
And so I contemplate
And time passes

Engtovo ~ January 29, 2006